Tricky: How to Tell If Your Cyber Date is Lying
In online dating, we meet a lot of
people through the tools of instant messaging, email, and chat
rooms. But putting up a fake profile to others in chat settings is
epidemic online. So you need some tips on how to spot what they
call a poser online.
It is a strange phenomenon but you
meet someone in chat and they start to open up to you. Before long
you figure out this person is posing. Posing takes on many forms.
It might be a man posing as a woman. It might be someone not being
his or her real age. You wonder, Why do they do it? Well the
reasons, while sad, are not that hard to understand.
To get some attention. Being in a chat room and not getting any chats is a very lonely experience.
If a guy cannot get a conversation with a girl, he might pose as a
girl just for the conversation. They use the fake ID to replace
what a good personality and ability to be real would get them
In a word . . . for sex. The dirty
underbelly of chat rooms is online sex. Now there is nothing wrong
with cybersex in its own right, but when you are online to find a
relationship, a romance and a soul mate, going straight to sex
just does not work. But for many online, that is all they want and
by giving you the most attractive image they can dream up, they
often get what they want.
To harvest future contacts. In some
chat services, you can have multiple profiles or personas. So one
ploy posers use is to meet you perhaps as the same gender as you
are, become friends and learn what you like and dislike in a lover
and then build a profile to give you just that thing. It is
manipulation and it is wrong but it happens. So what you need are
ways to sort out if the person you are chatting with is genuine or
a fake. If you find a fake, you can decide what to do about it.
You can block them and that is that. Or you can try to help them
come clean with you so you can build a real relationship with
them. Or you can even go as far as reporting them so they will be
punished by the service. My advice is politely bid them farewell
and move on to greener pastures.
To sort out if the person you just
met is really as wonderful as they seem or if they are a poser, be
clever and alert as you talk and look for these clues:
Do they move too quickly to talk
about sex? People that want a relationship do not go there very
fast. If they really want to get to know you they will go slow and
not rush to get intimate online.
Do they try not to tell you very much
about their past? Most people have rich histories to share from
and many funny stories to tell. If your friend does not offer
those generously, it might be because there is no past to the
character he or she is playing.
Watch for gender mistakes. If you are
dealing with a poser who is not being their real gender, they
probably do not understand the gender they are trying to portray.
You have talked to a real girl and a genuine man; they will
express themselves easily and appropriately.
Do they avoid voice contact, have few
pictures or keep stalling on making contact via webcam? Then
obviously they are not who they have presented to you. Even if
they provide a picture, this may be so. It is a sad thing to
report but posers steal pictures to complete their persona.
Keep some notes on your talks,
particularly about their personal details and history. The good
thing about IM is you can save your talks as text files to refer
to later. If the relationship goes for a while, they may not
remember their own past very well and you can catch those mistakes
which show they are lying.
After a while you will become skilled
at flushing out posers and be able to identify them easily so you
can move past those contacts and nurture relationships with
genuine people who are being honest and open with you and want to
develop that kind of romance, the kind that can grow and become a
beautiful part of each of your lives.
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